Coffee, Books & Yoga

I’m sorry.

I’ve been thinking a lot about apologies lately, and not just because I feel “owed” some that I probably won’t receive (and I’m sure we can all relate at some point or another) – but it’s on my mind more, especially as my kids explore their own feelings and learn how to “feel” for other people.

It stemmed from a situation the other night when my 2-year old purposefully threw his pacifier clip at my face and hit me just below the eye. I didn’t have to pretend to cry (as I will sometimes do with the kids in order to show them that something “hurt” mama) because this one hurt so bad the tears just started flowing. My reaction wasn’t great. Before I could even think of a better response, I yelled loudly back at him: NO! WE DO NOT THROW! – which of course made him cry, too.

I’m an adult so I’ve had many more years to his two being able to practice apologies and to understand how my behaviors and actions affect other people. I immediately got on his level and said: “I’m so sorry for yelling. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. When you threw your pacifier clip at mama, that really hurt. Can you say sorry to mama?” – and of course he said, “NO! MEAN MAMA!” and kept crying. I let him be in his feelings for a bit and left him alone.

He was still crying when dad came home (so dramatic), and I explained the situation. In general, Atlas is our only child who never really apologizes. Whereas the other two have always been good at seeing and responding to another persons’ hurt and responding with an “I’m sorry” and a big hug, Atlas is very easily offended, so if you point out a behavior in him that you don’t want to continue, he immediately becomes upset himself and refuses to apologize – even later after the situation has calmed down, and you revisit apologizing at that point.

Matt and I went back and forth about our own feelings surrounding apology, and Matt said that Atlas *feels* sorry, so he doesn’t need to say it – because he’d rather have someone feel sorry than to verbalize it. His logic about apologies clarified a lot of things for me in many ways.

And of course, it also got me to thinking… What’s more important: Feeling sorry, or saying sorry?

Similar to how you might start at an entry-level position and then get promoted later on, this question has multiple levels for me.

Feeling sorry is important. Maybe your action or behavior causes you to feel guilt or shame. Allowing yourself to feel those emotions that surface after a behavior or action is important, and in turns helps us to understand sorrow more fully. But, feeling is personal. Another person cannot feel your feelings. It’s internal. Important, but internal. Because of this, I would call the act of feeling sorry an entry-level response – because it’s only for you.

Saying sorry is also important. Saying sorry requires you to step outside of yourself and to think about how a behavior or action of yours affected someone else. This is empathy. Verbalizing that you are sorry for a behavior or action requires you to see and understand that someone else’s emotions and feelings also matter. And in turn, a verbal apology allows the other person to feel seen and acknowledged – which is why this exchange is often followed by a thank you for recognizing how that affected me.

Feeling sorry is for you. Saying sorry is for someone else, and sometimes also for you. It’s an empathetic gesture. If feeling sorry is an entry-level response, then saying sorry is promoted thinking. And, just like when you get promoted, you can’t just forget/lose your entry-level skillset in your new position. You can’t verbalize an apology if you don’t first truly *feel* sorry. Thus, expecting an apology from someone who isn’t actually sorry isn’t beneficial at all, and would likely just cause the behavior/action to repeat later. Saying sorry needs feeling sorry, and requires a level of selflessness that isn’t second nature for let’s say…my two year old son.

Is verbalizing an apology something we’re responsible to teach as more emotionally-mature parents, or do you think it’s a real-world ability that’s learned over time with experience? On a scale from not being important at all to huge priority, how important do you think it is for your child to verbally say “I’m sorry” when they do something wrong?